If Shaving Cream Tasted Better…

I am a protester. I suppose that technically makes me a protestant, but I’m pretty sure I was one of those before now.

This is the face of a protester.

I recently had a course in local economics, sponsored by the country of Nicaragua, and hosted by Misión Para Cristo. Let me begin with a little background to the person you see on the left. There have been some great protests in the history of the world. This is not one of them. There have been many violent protests. This is not one of them. There have been some long-lasting, highly impact-full,  world changing protests in the past. This is not one of them. There have been protests led by inspired, inspiring, inspirational leaders. I am not one of them.

On 25 March 1965, Martin Luther King, Jr led thousands of non-violent demonstrators to the steps of the capitol in Montgomery, Alabama. King told the assembled mass: ‘‘There never was a moment in American history more honorable and more inspiring than the pilgrimage of clergymen and laymen of every race and faith pouring into Selma to face danger at the side of its embattled Negroes."

I submit, in light of my own non-violent protest, this paraphrase: “Never has a moment in Nicaraguan history existed in which no one was honored less, or less inspired than by the efforts of one missionary who refused to shave during his vacation.” It all began as I was contemplating how incredibly low-priced everything is here.

For example: Dinner for two, at  newly opened Olivo Restaurant here in Jinotega, comprised of filet mignon, all-you-can-eat salad, potatoes, fresh veggie medley, a soft drink and [are you ready for this? OF COURSE NOT! One cannot prepare for this!] fried cheese cake. It is every bit as rich and wonderful as it sounds, if not better. Total cost: $8.00. Remember that is for two people. One slice of cheesecake at Saltgrass Steak House in the US costs $8.

Fried Cheesecake – to die for (or apparently from, if you are not careful.

More details on death by cheesecake in a moment.)

Example #2. Visiting the big city, in this case Managua, as Sheila and I did last weekend, we took a few minutes to become mall rats en route to a meeting at the US Embassy. As part of our journey we went to the food court of this very modern mall and Sheila went for the Pizza Hut while I headed to Burger King. In our Jinotega home hamburgers (and just about any edible beef) are number one on my Food-I-Miss-The-Most list. I was in hamburger bliss as I made my way through the double with cheese. Total cost of my lunch $6.00 – and I would have paid more!

The royal family of burgers can keep their cardboard crowns. Gimme the burger!

Example #3: In a land that lives day-to-day, and in an area as close to the open market as we are, fresh fruits and vegetables abound. Some are common to us like carrots and potatoes, while others are more foreign like jocotes and malanga. Bananas are in season now and, unlike my mother country, when you buy a bunch you are not choosing the pre-divided bunch of 4-8 your neighborhood grocer hand selected for you. Rather, buying a bunch of bananas is really a bunch. Meaning, whatever that tree from which they were cut produced and was harvested is how it is sold. They are still green so they will last longer. They are fresh and tasty. How much for atypical bunch like in the photo below? $1.22, based on the current rounded exchange rate.

That's not a bunch.

That's a bunch. Each of these bunches is roughly the same size as the fire hydrant in the back ground.

There are many other examples of great value here such as the triple-dip sundae that costs $1.42 at Eskimo Ice Cream, or the fact that we fixed a very healthy soup for about 300 people for $1.77. The soup mix was free and the only cost was seasoning and vegetables, but c’mon, man. At $2 per bag of soup that’s still only about a nickel per person. My hair cut costs only $2.85 (and comes in a choice of two styles: less or none.) My shoe shine only costs 50 cents.

Final Example: My newly assigned cholesterol and blood pressure medicines (refer to fried cheesecake above) for one month are only $9 total.

Stay calm, get a little exercise, take all this and everything will be fine. Oh yeah, don’t eat anything but grilled chicken and raw fruits and vegetables. Fried cheesecake: NOT on my new list of foods.

Sheila's kitchen talents keep me happily fed.

So maybe you are thinking that this post started out as a complaint of some sort worthy of a protest. Well, you are right. Protests can be a catalyst for change. Or they can just be silly. Just as Jason Bateman & Matt Damon refusing to use a toilet in protest of the lack of access to clean water in the world, or Costa Ricans protesting against the USA because it snowed at a soccer game, or the countless hunger strikers who paved the way by saving money and not eating, I am protesting in a way that means absolutely nothing to anyone else.

Here's what happened. Of the three local grocery stores here, I entered the one that most usually carries American-made brands. With plenty of money I set out to buy the two or three items I needed – or so I thought. I left with only one item – shaving cream. You see, I had used all of my fancy US imported Edge Gel and decided I could not shave cream-less. I placed the can of Gillette and my other two items, along with the 200 Córdoba bill ($8.16 USD at the time), only to find out I did not have enough money. I looked at the register and saw that I had only enough for the shaving cream (which at the time of this purchase was becoming VERY necessary.) 197 Córdobas ($8.04 USD) was the cost. I took my very precious shaving cream and cupped it close to my straining heart so that no ill could come to this very valuable possession.

The Unholy Grail of Shaving Cream

Upon arriving home I carefully placed the shiny, silvery can in a place of high honor – a place reserved for chili powder and cilantro seasoning as neither is available here.

Checking later I found that even the cheapo, non-gel shaving cream goes for just over $6. Is it the cost of printing shaving cream labels in Spanish that raises the price, or some secret embargo to protect us from a foam-based crime syndicate? I know not!

And so I protest. What do I expect the world to learn from my scrubby salt-and-pepper colored facial hair? Nothing. I expect some of those with whom I spend a great deal of time will suspect that I am older than they think, but really, I expect nothing. But c'mon, Man! Eight Bucks?!? I could have had steak and fried cheesecake. FRIED CHEESECAKE! Obviously, if shaving cream tasted better I would not have to stage this protest that only means something to me. But since it doesn't or at least I am not willing to “acquire a taste” for it I will continue to protest until this blasted itchy beard gets on my nerves to the point that I shave once again. That time could be any second now.

One simple message to Gillette, Edge and all you other shaving cream producers: Tell Nicaragua to sell it cheaper, or develop a better tasting one, preferably one that is low in fat and cholesterol.