Happy Birthday

Hypnagogic.

A big fancy word I didn’t even know that I knew. And this decades old SAT trivia echoed in my head with each mundane task.

This can’t be real.  Stir stir stir. This is absurd.  Pour the milk. This feels crazy. Scrub the dish. How can I be making batch after batch of sprinkle-y pink cupcakes for my little girl’s birthday—when she is dead.

I know. Nobody wants me to say “dead”. It feels obscene. It’s too stark, too ugly, too slapping-you-in-the face-shocking to use words like that. But that’s how the thoughts feel inside my head. She IS dead. And she will not be eating these pink cupcakes. And it IS obscene. Covering it all up with polite words that don’t stick in your throat doesn’t communicate how every breath I am taking sticks in my throat.

Since the accident there have been dark days, and numb days, and days drowning in tears—but today was simply a surreal day. Why do I feel compelled to prepare for a birthday party that won’t include the guest of honor? My body moving through the kitchen making festive looking treats that will be eaten through tears. The WEIRDNESS of it all is what overwhelms me.

Then it was Bible class/birthday party time. I packed up all my sad cupcakes and wrapped all my armors around myself and sat in front of a pile of forty kids or so and told them that Jesus understands our griefs. That He weeps with us. That He has a plan that can reunite us all one day. I preached the message to this sea of liquid innocent eyes and wanted to believe it the way they believed me. I cheered them on to scream the words to the verse over and over hoping I might hear it:

 “God loves….anyone who believes...eternal life”.

I don’t know where my faith stands. I don’t know if I am brave enough to think deeply about holy things. Mostly I am just trying to keep going. But I think I learned something about the ritual of communion last night. As I passed around the cupcakes to kids coloring pictures of those they have lost in their lives, every child took it solemnly.  I offered the tray to a friend and she paused just a beat. Mouth pursed to say “No thanks.” And then her hand moved so deliberately with just a tiny half nod. She picked up that cute little cupcake like it weighed a thousand pounds. Because it did. Because it was more than a sweet piece of bread. It was done in memory of her.

In that one second I saw the horrible beauty of the communion meal.

                                “as you eat this…proclaim the Lord’s death…”

It should stick in our throats like pink cupcakes. This is proclaiming the ugliness of death. This is swallowing the shocking-face-slapping truth. This is shouting defiantly that we know what death is. And more than that—that even knowing the true obscenity of death we will take it into ourselves because we hold some spark of hope that HE has overcome it. That maybe we can too.

Spring Update 2016

I open this update with the usual apologies for not providing more timely, pertinent information, but I suppose you are used to that by now. Anyway, please accept.

A Call to Action…

Paola hated going to school. The main reason she disliked it so much was that she was so far behind. Living on the streets and in a children’s home meant she was ill prepared with basic supplies to go to school.  Unfortunately, most of the schools and children are lacking the most fundamental materials needed to succeed in school. Thus is the plight of a developing nation with a sub-standard, under-resourced education system. Please consider joining me as we honor our precious angel’s passing by providing an opportunity other children will not have without our help.

 We are asking for the things you would be throwing out at the end of the school year.

The last two years you have helped in a most practical, completely free activity that goes to serve the churches and schools with which we work. It is time again to ask any school you know to collect the pencils, colors, spirals, composition books, construction and manila paper, scissors, chalk, markers and any other supplies that have life remaining in them and will be thrown into the trash can as school ends. The last two years Palmer ISD, Mitchell Elementary (Georgetown ISD) and Harts Bluff ISD have lead the way. Others have also contributed, but these schools made it an incredible success by going above and beyond. Fourth grade students in Harts Bluff made it a class project that they took school-wide. Your contributions to this effort promote success in the public schools and Sunday schools here in Nicaragua. We can arrange for free pick up of the supplies. For more info, send me an email or Facebook message.

If you are not a school employee, teacher, parent, grandparent or have some other connection to a school, please visit a local school and ask if they will participate. Then, send me contact information and I will make contact and explain how simple this really is.

Argentina organizing a small portion of the donated school supplies.

Vision Program…

Our vision screening activities have been limited by some issues we have had with equipment and space. We expect the repaired equipment to be back in our hands by next week. Our construction crew has remodeled the vision office in the Misión Para Cristo medical clinic so that we have efficient, useful space for Sheila to operate the clinic on selected days. She has continued to work from the space we have, but we finally were able to purchase the materials to make the much needed modifications.

We will once again begin screening vision of children in the local schools when the visiting groups begin arriving in May. This will be a twice-a-week project and we should be able to complete it in the months of June and July. It is estimated that there are just less than 9,000 students in the public schools in the city of Jinotega.

After scheduling issues and variety of other types of interference I will be bringing in 6 children from the town of Yalí, where Misión Para Christo operates one of the three One Child Matters programs, to get their eyes checked by an optometrist and get glasses ordered as needed.

Children from the Yali One Child Matters program meet the Optometrist and workers at Munkel Opticas for a complete eye exam if our screening identified a possible vision issue.

Children’s Programming…

Sheila has once again begun meeting with the facilitators of the One Child Matters program to conduct training a couple times a month. She continues to work along with Colette Price to organize, translate, package and label curriculum for local churches to use.


We have initiated the Children’s bible class programs again and have been averaging 75 at the Jinotega program on Sundays (Hijos del Rey – Children of God) and 95 at the Apanas program on Saturdays (Rescate los Niños y Jóvenes – Rescuing the Children and Youth). I have conducted a training for the workers in Apanas and am excited about the progress they are making in presenting lessons. Their commitment is to be commended. We recently had 136 children and workers in Apanas.

Gathering in Apanas for Saturday Bible Class Rescate los Ninos y Jovenes.

Colette Price (blue dress) joins Jinotega teens teaching at Hijos del Rey Sunday outreach Bible class for children.

Sheila will be teaching a session at a local teacher training seminar on Saturday, 23 April. One issue education in general faces in Nicaragua is one of classroom space. For example, in the class where our boy attends at a local public school there are 42 second graders. Desks are crammed in with little space to move. As educators, we understand that motion is important to information retention. However, it is just not an option in this country. Also, as a developing nation, students have limited access to learning materials. Almost everything The Boy studies has to be copied into notebooks. It is a slow process.

Sheila continues to teach the Tuesday night Children’s English class while I try to help wrangle the crowd. We average about 40 each Tuesday night. We have completed a series on the Fruit of the Spirit and have just begun a series on the life of Christ we call, “Jesus Loves Me.” The topics chosen allow us to have memory verse and song association that helps with both the English aspect and delivering the message.

Youth Events

On Friday, 29 April I will take the youth from the Apanas congregation, along with Juan Carlos, their leader, to a recreation center where they will be able to play, swim and have a day of relaxation. These are primarily the workers for the Saturday Bible class program and some other students who are heavily involved in Juan Carlos’ Saturday afternoon youth Bible study. On Saturday night, 30 April, I will facilitate entertainment and ice-breaker activities for an area youth gathering in the Yalí community. They will stay overnight. I will NOT.

Personally speaking…

We all continue to seek counseling after the accident that occurred almost seven months ago. The grieving continues, but most days seem to pass with less tears. The hole in my heart will remain forever, but will grow increasing smaller. I have had the opportunity to watch Kung Fu Panda, both available versions that we have, multiple times lately as my little karate kid likes to mimic the action of the Kung Fu Warrior. One of the characters makes the statement that scars heal. Another corrects him and says, “No, wounds heal, scars remain forever.” (That may have been from some other movie, but as many times as I have watched King Fu Panda lately I assume that is where it comes from.)

I am enjoying brighter days and believe the rest of the family is as well. I have solace in reading the continual verses my mother-in-law, Elma Clark, sends me each day. I also was gifted the Sarah Young daily devotion book, Jesus Calling, by Dr. Patti Patterson. These are both elements to making each day a step better. Writing is difficult for me because it seems to bring out the rawest of emotions for some reasons. I guess bottom line is that I am making personal strides but do now and will forever miss my precious angel. I look forward to the days I can flood the updates with pictures that display her physical beauty and beauty of the spirit she possessed.

In regards to the adoption we had an appointment with the judge two weeks ago to present papers for his review, leading to his decision. This would not be the final step, but the precursor to him making a ruling. It was postponed and we have heard nothing further. So the waiting continues. I am equally excited about sharing the pleasure The Boy has been so far and continues to be. His sense of humor, his sponge-like soaking up of the English language (thanks to a mother who has the skills to make it a priority and help him enjoy it) and his propensity for things to be in order are all amusing and occasionally challenging.

We celebrated Easter with an Easter egg hunt and invited many of the children form the neighborhood. They had a great time and finished off the warm afternoon with a swim. I’m still not sure they have any idea why eggs were hidden in the yard.

Easter with our neighborhood

Sheila has battled a sore thought for a couple of weeks, and an occasional fever, but we believe to have finally found an antibiotic that is knocking it out.  I am well other than being at my heaviest ever. I’m sure I have an eating disorder and await the next great parasite to help me shed the unwanted weight. A broken bone in my foot that doesn’t seem to want to heal, and the scrapes and bruises one gets from falling through a ceiling have made for some sleepless nights. By the way, I didn’t fall all the way to the floor. Believe it or not, I was saved by my physique. Not all of me will fit through a 12” by 14” hole.

My parents would have celebrated their anniversary on 6 Abril, either their 64th or 65th. I paid homage to my father by climbing up on a ladder to replace a light bulb. Having the same physical shape as him means that reaching overhead while standing in limited foot space reduces one’s waist size so that it is smaller than that of your pants. It is hard to climb off a ladder when you are not in a position to successfully reach your pants which have gathered at your ankles.

Thanks to all of you who dug into your pockets a little deeper to help us cover unexpected costs. We were able to cover a majority of the cemetery expenses and purchase a used truck. We are thankful now and in the future for the financial generosity and eternally thankful for your spiritual support and prayers. We continue to covet the prayers as we battle the dark road and enjoy brighter days ahead.

Sunshine on Jinotega from the girls' place in the Jinotega cemetary. Roxana, Josaira, Paola

For your prayerful consideration

What we are thankful for…

 A sign, even though minimal and brief, that the adoption process might be continuing.

 A smart, affectionate, beautiful, little boy that makes us laugh, gives us a reason to go on, and enjoys life to the fullest.

 Friends and family who have not given up on us when we feel like giving up on ourselves.

 Your continued giving of resources: financially as you are able, but mainly that of your time to pray as we look to realign ourselves with the core spiritual values with which we were raised.

 Grief counselors who know what they are doing.

What we are needing…

 Completion of the adoption process

 A more complete return to the “new normal” so we can better serve the people of Jinotega

 A school that offers an affordable (in missionary language that means FREE) Master’s degree of some kind. (My preference would be Organizational Leadership, but I am open to anything anyone has to offer.)

 Continued progress on learning Spanish

 To be rid of the allergy issues, minor aches and pains and about 60 extra pounds.

 Your used school supplies

 We are always in need of youth baseball gloves, baseballs, soccer balls and youth bats. You collect and we will get them picked up.

Goodness Challenge

On Tuesday nights we have a kid's Bible class we call "English Bible Class." We typically learn some words, songs and Bible verses in English as we go through our Bible study theme. Currently we are studying the fruits of the spirit, and Jonathan set a challenge to the kids last week. He gave each kid a pound of beans and challenged them to give it away to someone in greater need than themselves. We encouraged them to tell the recipients this gift was because of the goodness of God.

Last night, the kids came back and told their stories.

This class is a cross section of our city that skews towards the poor side. There are some kids in the class, who I legitimately wondered how they would be able to find someone more in need than themselves to whom they could give the beans. Jonathan made the point that each one of us can look around and find someone with more than us and with less. Whether that "more" is financial, social, intellectual...

Here is some of what they shared.

B--age 5: I gave them to an old woman who is so old and lives all alone. She is always lonely. When I gave the beans to her I said "goodness of God" and she kissed me and kissed me and said "God will bless you."

J--age 12: There is a family in my neighborhood with so many kids There is never enough for everyone. I gave them the beans and I said, "God bless you. Take these because of the goodness of God." and she could not believe it. She said, "Truly?". I felt so happy and full of love when that happened. 

B--age 11: I know a woman who can't see well and she doesn't have anything. She always sits alone on a chair. So I gave her the beans and she was so happy. She was crying. I felt a little happy. I felt like I wanted to give more.

It crashed down on me so heavily: how often when I "do good" I feel content with myself. I feel justified, satisfied. But "doing good" or sharing in the goodness of God is meant to make us hungry for more. We are supposed to "feel like we want to give more".

Both Galatians 6:9 and 2 Thessalonians 3:13 exhort us not to get "weary of doing good". These are familiar verses that I turn to frequently.  Like this time. But I have always focused on the weary = exhausted part, and hadn't really considered that sometimes weary = bored. Sometimes we are bored with doing good. We have let it lose all its magic. Sometimes our "good works" are so rote that we forget that they are an opportunity to show and be shown a part of who God is.

It isn't always easy to say and believe that "God is good."

In these last months as we try to cope with the death of our daughter, a phrase that seemed so obviously simply true can choke me on it's way out of my mouth. Standing in front of that class, telling them that God is good, knowing all the very very bad things we are all suffering every single day, can sound so empty.

But I think that is why for 'B'---a girl with so few resources her family's only response to a simple case of lice has to be shaving everyone's head... for a girl who pauses at a  puddle in the gutter to cup water in her hand and wash the mud from her feet and legs as she enters the church building...for a girl who has been hungry and in need...for a girl who knows loneliness and neglect...for a girl who knows so much of the "bad" of the world...for a girl like this-- watching someone experience the goodness of God makes her hungry for more.

I want to be like that.
She, and I, need to know, to be shown, to be proved over and over again that God really is good.
I want to say with more than just my mouth that "God is good."
And when I see a glimmer of that goodness, I want to hunger for more of it.  For more of Him.

January Update

It has been almost 4 months since my precious partner in crime and comedy joined her paternal grandparents and a host of other friends and family. I miss her more and more each day, but find joy in a closer bond I share with Sheila and time with an extremely active 6 year-old! So, if you are one of those thinking, “get over it, already” please understand we will never get over it. I’m not Job. Thankfully, law enforcement and the local prosecutor’s office closed the case against me and families signed off on seeking no further legal or civil action. Thanks to the Mision Para Cristo construction team for their work in completing the cemetery work.

We completed 2015 having screened vision of the children at 24 of the schools Misión Para Cristo is affiliated with. That adds up to about 2,337 pairs of eyes. Of that number 57 children received new glasses. We also screened vision of approximately 280 children who are part of the One Child Matters program based out of the mission.

Sheila and various crews from the US saw approximately 710 clients in the clinic. Of those she dispensed glasses to 630 of them. That makes about an 89% success rate. If you add to that those who were referred to the ophthalmologist or optometrist, her success rate would be closer to 96%. The clinic did not begin seeing clients until April and operated sparingly during the months of October and November. We will resume school-based and clinic screening once school begins in the next couple of months and after I have finished some much needed remodeling in our clinic.

Sheila, the boy and I went to Managua on Dec. 14 to sign the official documents at the ministry of family giving us permission to go to the family court to legally change the boy’s last name to Holland. This week we hired an attorney to represent us and he is anticipating that this final process will take about two months. Then there will be another legal Holland! Watch out world! I am very excited to begin sharing pictures of this entertaining, compassionate and bright little boy. Wait until you see the two of us together. You will think we are twins separated by 45 years.

Sunday programs for children are beginning the registration process. Two of the talented young men here in Jinotega gave free haircuts to children of the market and staff in preparing for the new school year.

Sight For Sore Eyes Foundation, Inc. is now registered as an official charity with the Amazon Smiles program. Please consider including us in your Amazon purchases. There is no additional cost to you, but Amazon donates a percentage to the charity you choose…Hopefully us! Go to Smile.Amazon.com and start giving without hurting.

The year-end activities, such as Smile Box distribution went very smoothly once the containers were released from customs. The customs process here seems to change yearly. Nevertheless, the boxes started getting to the hands of the children and everyone has been very happy.

We had a chance to celebrate with the youth who facilitate the children’s program in Apanas. This is a group I’ve mentioned before – about 10 to 12 young ladies (and a couple of guys who pop in and out, based on which girls are there to help on any given Saturday) ages 13-16, who live in extreme poverty. During the holidays, these kids gathered clothes and vegetables and took them to about 15 families who live in the municipal dump. THAT is the spirit of Christmas.  

 

   

We were blessed in December to have Sheila’s parents, John and Elma Clark, of Deming, NM, visit for about three weeks. We were honored to share in celebrating their 60^th wedding anniversary with a dinner Sheila and her mother cooked up for about 75 guests at our home. We also celebrated her mother’s 81^st and father’s 82^nd birthdays while they were visiting.

 

We also enjoyed time visiting the beach in the San Juan del Sur area of Nicaragua, which has become a surfers’ paradise. No, we didn’t. We did, however, get to see endangered Green Sea Turtle hatchlings being released into the surf one morning.

To get the close up pictures I wanted of this baby I named, “Spot,” I sat down low on the sand. At one point I moved into the surf to get photos of him/her entering the water. As is the way waves work, I got swamped while my attention and camera were pointed inland. When I gathered my senses enough to recognize there was a buzzing in the crowd and shutters were clicking I realized the excitement I thought I was missing was actually the crowd reacting to what they thought was a beached whale. It was just me.

We have had some unexpected expenses (repair, storage and towing costs of borrowed vehicle breaking down on vacation and having to rent a vehicle for a few days, for example) and are looking for some additional financial assistance. While our ultimate hope would be to find an additional congregation for more permanent support, we have some mediate to intermediate needs to address. Below are brief explanations.

·         Computer $550: On the way to the beach with the in-laws my computer was accidently baptized. It is useless and we are holding on to the hope that the hard drive can be recovered.

·         Adoption $1200: This is what the attorney fees will be. He has said there will be no further expenses by him so with his fee and a couple of months the adoption process should be over.

·         Cemetery $1200: While all other funeral-related expenses are paid, the cement work at the cemetery, which is in the final stages of completion at this writing, still need to be paid. The mission provided the labor, saving several hundreds of dollars.

·         Eyeglass Clinic Office $200: With the addition of the eyeglass inventory system Sheila began using last year we are needing to make better use of the office space the mission gives us. That means adding wall-to-wall shelving.

·         Vehicle $5000: Obviously our vehicle was a total loss after the accident. Initially we anticipated sharing mission vehicles but are concerned about the practicality of that. While workable, it is not completely feasible for a family to have total access and for the mission to have the vehicles needed to do their work.

We continue to strive for peace in difficult times as our faith is shaken and our beliefs are challenged. Even the simple prayer is difficult. Please continue to pray for us as we attempt to adapt and continue with life and the daily struggle it presents.

Jonathan, Sheila and “the Boy” Holland